The Undoing of Sanity
by The Mad Otter
Summary: She see them all, the ghost of who she once was, who she is and wonders why. She wonders where her blonde hair or green eyes have gone. Why the people she loved have disappeared, the strangers she had mourned and experiencing time after time dying.
1. Chapter 1

Title - The Undoing of Sanity

Category - Thor/Avengers

Rating - Teen

Themes - Hurt/Comfort, Friendship

Disclaimer - I do not own anything.

Authors Note - This is a flash-fic, I'm not sure how long each chapter will be or how many chapter there will be but I hope you enjoy it.

Summary - She see them all, the ghost of who she once was, who she is and wonders why. She wonders where her blonde hair or green eyes have gone. Why the people she loved have disappeared, the strangers she had mourned and experiencing time after time dying.

It's a fact that she knew ever since she was a child, perhaps since the born she was 3 years old and gain consciousness, she was different. Actually different not the word, she is abnormal.

She experienced glances of what seem like memories in a old film reel that are not her own, whispers of voices she never heard, sensations she feel that she should have no knowledge about.

But she does.

She experiences exotic flavours, burst of spices and citrus, that a child could never appreciate. She smells pine tree within the city, other smells that that bring the sensation of being home. A home she never had experienced herself. The sensation that she had attempted to walk a million of times, that it seems ingrained into her bones.

Thoughts that her mother is not her mother, that her brother is not her brother. That she knows of but they don't know her.

She feels like she is something more than who she is, that she is more in the grand design than just being Darcy Lewis, that everything is happening at the same time and yet doesn't exist at all.

It's nearly more confusing than the ghost she sees and she cannot wonder why she isn't worried.

She wonders as she watches out the window of her grandmothers house, her brother (or not her brother, she cannot remember) cries in the background clutching their grandmother's waist as their mother dumps their belonging in suitcases, unwilling to even bring them in and drives off in the red pick-up truck.

She had experienced lives with her mother, with a father who didn't abandoned their family before she was born, she had experienced being a mother and a father.

Yet as she clutched her brother hand in her own, comforting the older child as he weeps at the harsh reality. She knows that she can protect both of them.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

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She sits on the wooden porch of their house, the sun beating down and she cannot help but relish in the warmth.

Until it becomes too much.

The sensation overwhelms her, her lips feel rough, her throat parched and she wonders whether she is dying from dehydration despite the half-empty glass of ice tea next to her hand. Her fingers grab the glass so tightly her fingers go white and nearly shatter the glass.

She chokes and she can hear her brother racing back to the house from the yard where he was kicking a ball around.

The sensation changes and the over-sweet taste changes into a burning sensation of icy saliferous water and she feels like she's drowning.

The glass laid forgotten as her hands clutch her neck, nails digging in drawing blood under the present shaped marks.

Then its over, and she can feel her brother clutching her close and calling for their grandmother and she is just numb.

Sometimes she wonders whether she would ever just be herself.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

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Her grandmother had decided on home-schooling her, not that she minded.

She had no control over these 'episodes' as her grandmother describes them and had no desire of being bullied, picked on for being different. She had seen how cruel people can be.

Though she knows the different types of schooling she had in the past, she had been a beggar who couldn't read, a poet who had been taught to a university level, a high-school drop-out. Taught in so many languages that words blur on the page and she utters sentences in languages she had no training in.

It was the right decision, though when she watched her brother leave every morning she just wished she could be normal.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

At night she was the most vulnerable to the ghosts.

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Her dreams would be filled of people shouting, overlapping voices all desperate to be heard. Whenever she had nightmares of her own, the only time she didn't heat them was when she was being dragged into a hospital room with bars at the windows, her family just watching her, never moving, never reacting.

Those nights her throat would be raw.

She had found out later on, when her grandmother tried to comfort her by sleeping in the same bed, she would help chase them away. She wouldn't wake up screaming every night, she managed to sleep through the whole night a couple of times.

The doctor that her grandmother had reluctantly had round due to the neighbours complaining about her screaming had said that they were night terrors, that she would grow out of them. Yet they knew the truth.

"Grandma, I think I was someone else." She couldn't help but whisper one night in the dark.

"I know baby but everything will be just fine." Her grandmother replied, pulling her closer.

Even though she knew she had no right to promise that. That she had made false promises in the past, to her patients, her parents, her siblings. To all the men and women she had loved.

And yet, she knew that she would be okay.

She had her family looking after her.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

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She knew that her brother loved her, her quirks and all.

Despite being five years older than her, she was the one with the solemn eyes and serious mouth whilst he was always smiling and saw the world with rosey eyes.

Yet it never stopped him from trying to understand.

Every week he would rent books from the local library on religion, reincarnation and psychology. Books too big and difficult for him to truly understand and to get through in two weeks, yet he would renew a book until he had read it all. He would spend the evenings after dinner in front of the fire trying to go through each one, his finger tracing the sentences.

And she loved him for it.

The first time she realised what he was doing, the ghost showing their own memories of their families. She cried happy tears and could not help but smile.

She was so lucky to have him as a brother, after-all what other 9 year olds would do such a thing.

Even though there was a part of her that screamed out that he was wrong, that he wasn't her brother that she was a _single_ _child_ \- _one of many_ \- _only had sisters_. The other part of her fully embraced him.

He was hers and she wouldn't let anything hurt him.

A fact that was still strong twelve years later when she chased his cheating girlfriend out of his house with a broom.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

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She had experienced death, of her own and of her family time after time. Feeling hopeless, feeling like she did everything she could, having no sense of control and even power in killing someone else.

Yet she never expected her grandmother to get ill.

Old age, the doctor said. She was frail and having two dependent children under the age of 10 didn't help whispered a social worker.

Her mind whirled, one part analysed what was happening - _a_ _n_ _imbalance between the four humors_ one of the ghosts whispered, _that she should have taken more care into what she eat_.

Another part knew what it felt like saying and she couldn't imagine her grandmother going through that, especially as she had been fine just day before.

She felt like crying but she couldn't. Her face was stoic as she held her grieving brother close to her.

She would make sure they survived this as one of the social workers placed their clothes in two old small suitcases before packing them into a car and away from their home.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

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It felt like a part of her was gone, a sanctuary against the world where she didn't have pretend that she was different.

Yet her grandmother was gone, their mother hadn't bothered with them since she brought them to the only home they ever knew and now they were forced into the system, bouncing from home to home. Their measly belonging fitted into two suitcases that they never bothered to unpack.

Her brother had refused to let them be split up, even when there was a family that just wanted him, and she could not help but wonder what-if she hadn't been born, perhaps mother would never have dropped him off at grandmother's house, perhaps he would find a new home where he was loved. Perhaps he could have grown up ignorant of people's struggles, like a normal child is supposed too.

She hates that she took that away from him.

Instead of baking cookies together on a Sunday, they were forced to go to Church in clothes too small and itchy. Instead of playing on their yard in the late afternoon, they were forced to do homework, chores and then half-a-hour to play with the other kids who were too messy, too noisy, too mean. Instead of late evening in front of the fireplace, Bennett reading the books with his finger, grandmother knitting whilst she cuddle into her, was early bedtimes where the curtains are thin and so many people moving about.

Instead of unconditional love, they were just numbers in a system and another mouth to feed.

Where being different made you stand out.

So she learned, albeit the hard way.

The first home considered taking her to a psychiatric ward, the family that tried to foster both her and her brother brought in a priest to force the devil out of her.

So she started to use humour and snark to make people leave her alone, people believed that she didn't filter anything but she did. So much it was difficult, painful. She smiled and laughed but it was never free.

She allowed the ghost haunt her, she refused to show any sign when she was having an episode. She played music loud through headphones to drown everything out. She clutched her brother close to her, her rock through it all.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

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When her brother turned eighteen, she sat him down to have a talk.

How ironic.

Thirteen years old and she had a better understanding of who she was, she had accepted the ghosts and they no longer screamed so loudly. She understood people more than she could ever have imagined.

She knew the sensation of living on the streets, not having enough money for food. A live of luxury yet empty of love. She knew what it was like to sacrifice things for others and herself.

She knows how to survive.

So she told him to not worry about her, to do what he wanted. She wouldn't be a burden, she couldn't put him through that.

She knows that he wanted to find work, give up on his dreams and look after her but she had taken so much away from him already, she just couldn't.

She knew that he wanted to go to college, she had found the scholarship letter of a local college hidden away in one of his books.

She wouldn't destroy his dreams.

Having begged their social worker to borrow her office to have a talk, it ended

Five hours later, three screaming matches and several tearful confessions, he agreed.

As she waved her brother away, promising to talk to him that evening, she knew she did the right thing.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

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Without her brother, she was like a message in a bottle floating on the ocean waves of the sea with no sense of direction. It was hard trying to adjust to the other 7 children in the house without a buffer.

One of the girls decided it was time to act, apparently she didn't like the fact that she was different.

She had been a bully before, she had taken no shit from anyone including her own father and husband, she had the champion for the underdog, she had fought against bullies. She had once patched up her brother and his friend time after time after being beaten bloody.

It start off small, the taunts that meant nothing. The bumping of shoulders when no one else was looking before growing out of control.

Yet it still hurt, every punch stung leaving bruises that she would have to cover up. She knew she should have said something but she couldn't, or rather she didn't want too. She couldn't afford being thrown out of this home, not when the social worker threaten to send her far away from where her brother went to college.

Then one day she just snapped. She had enough.

"You're just scared you will end up with nothing. You will never fit in no matter how much you try." She spat out, uncaring of the consequences, she just wanted something to hurt.

In her defence, she could have known that this would have worked a lot better than if they were standing at the top of the stairs. She watched as the other girls face became red with embarrassment and anger before she watched as she slashed out knocking her backwards.

When she woke up in the hospital with a broken arm and her suitcase in the corner of the room, she knew she was being forced to move.

Yet it was no an act she ever regretted.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

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The ghosts now more calm, less shouting as they knew she was listening. In classes rather than listening to the teacher she would spend remembering. She remembers her favourites that always made her smile. She remembers being a victorian lady, she remembers being the apple of her brother eyes and always being given piece of chocolate after his paper rounds.

She would remember so much that afterwards she would wonder why her skin was so pale, why her hair was black, why she wearing glasses.

The only class she didn't daydream was creative writing where she would write what the ghosts showed her. Currently it was the lady-in-waiting in the French courts and having to work through the politics. She would let them be heard the only way she could.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

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Sitting through religious studies classes, she could not help but wonder what she believed.

She had believed so much, had faith that made up her bones, had been flexible and only having faith because it was expected, abandoning religion when she was hurt and mad.

She had prayed to God in her final moments time after time, yet he never answered.

Perhaps she did believe, after all she had been reborn so many times that it hurt. That didn't mean she wasn't of it all.

Perhaps it why she liked to argue so many different points in the classes, she liked being balance, having growth in opinions.

So she sat up straight in her chair, ready to take on her next victim who argument had a poor basis.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

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She knew this type. Too well.

It had never ended well for any of her ghosts.

The man smiled down at her but all it did was send shivers down her back.

When he mention how happy he was to welcome her to her new home, she wanted to be sick.

She wanted to cry but she would be strong. Elena (Russian, brown hair, mother at 16, prostitute, died at 20) had taught her that. And when he tried to touch her, pretending to be innocent act first, she broke his nose before kicking him between the knees.

As she sat in the back of her social worker's car, who was apologising for her behaviour and had no idea what was truly going on, she felt satisfied. If at the age of 14, she managed to buy a taser from some shady dude for her own protection, well it was her little secret.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

It came as a surprise to her when her brother decided that he was going to join the army. He was scared about leaving her alone for so long but she reassured him. It was his life he had to think about, that she would never forgive him if he gave up his dreams for her.

Afterall she didn't have any dreams of her own.

She vaguely remembers someone else like her brother who never returned. But she hoped that he would, for he was all she had.

She had convinced her social worker to allow her to see him off from his small flat onto the army base where he would start training. She wouldn't be able to see him for a while but her first letter was already in the mail.

As she glanced in the mirror, she saw the reflection of boy her age, his tanned skin looked ashen with dust and soot covering it. His eyes, she could tell was once beautiful and full of life were now broken. She could feel in her bones how old and tired he was despite his age.

'Aelius,' a whisper echoed around her brain as her brother was packing his bags.

An old memory flickers to the front of her mind, a memory not her own. She sees the battlefield, of the many soldiers who were slaughtering innocents, those who only had sickles and wooden brooms to protect themselves from swords. Those who just wanted to be free from the shackles around their throats. The terrifying feeling of dying, a slash to the chest and how slow it takes to die surrounded by bodies. The strong hatred for the Roman Empire and terror of death overwhelmed her.

She could not help the tears, tears her brother saw.

"Darcy, please don't cry. Everything going to be fine." He reassures her as he cradles her to his chest, his hands tight as if he was afraid of letting her go.

"I won't ever stop supporting you, just come home. Please come home."

He doesn't answer her, knowing that he couldn't promise her something this important. The other reassurances fall flat and she watches on the sidewalk with her shoulder being held in a tight grip by her social worker as her brother drove away. The tears streamed down her face as she smiled at him, her cheeks ached as she smiled until the car had disappeared from sight.

She knew he was dedicated, she would support him in any way she could so that he always had hope to depend on.

If she weaselled out names of people in his unit that didn't have anyone writing to them, well the numerous letters she sent was no one's business.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

She spent her teenage years focused more on understanding herself than making memories with people who would drift away soon.

She had been moved homes again to teenagers home, 'a last resort' she overheard her social worker telling one of the workers there. She didn't mind, she knew how overwork they were and how unusual she was.

All the kids there were older than her and left her alone which suited her needs just fine. There was one guy who she got along with the most there, he would share CDs that he brought from second-hand shops from the parttime job he had.

He told her once that she reminded him of his sister that he hadn't seen in years since she was fostered.

She told him about her own brother and how she missed him. That her only contact was letters once a fortnight.

He told her stories of the parties he and a couple of other in their house went to every Friday whilst she would knit beanie hats. He would steal her the last slice of pizza whenever she was too absorbed in her head when she figuring things out. She would help him with his homework whenever he had difficulties in understanding concepts.

He filled a place that she didn't know needed filling when her brother went.

She missed him when he was kicked out for fighting a guy at school who couldn't accept the word no from another girl in their home. She was so grateful that they didn't have the chance to do anything to that girl, had even gotten her a taser to defend herself with.

But she missed him.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Her brother was waiting for her outside school one day out the blue and she couldn't help smiling and running to him.

He had changed, he wore his army uniform comfortably as if it was a second-skin to him, he had lost some weight in his cheeks, his hair was shorter than she could have imagined.

Yet the best thing was that his eyes sparkled.

She knew that he was happy, despite having to rely on letters for the last 10 months. But to see it, was amazing.

He had been training for 9 weeks before being working and living near the base. But she was glad he was back, even though she knew it was for a short time.

Until then she would take what she could.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

He took her to a gym.

It was so familiar it made her ache inside as if she found out that she had been missing a piece of her.

"It a replica of a gym in Brooklyn, that's where Jimmy was from but he couldn't live there after his Ma died. So he left the old gym with his older brother and opened this one up. All the features match including all the pictures on the wall." She heard her brother commented as she looked around.

Her feet took her to one of the corners, where the older photos were. Her eyes scoured the area until she saw it. A black and white photo of three people; a guy with a charming smile not displaying any of the exhaustion she knows he felt with a towel around his neck and boxing gloves still on his hands. He had his arms around two other people; a young frail-looking boy who was wrapped up warm under two coats and a young girl who was looking up at the guy with a soft smile filled with sisterly love.

She disregards the guys for looking at the girl, one of the ghosts she sees. She knew she wasn't crazy, she was Rebecca Barnes once upon a time. She had been all the ghost before.

Rebecca, Elena, Aelius, Marie, Pansy. They were all real. They had all suffered.

This revelation that she subconsciously knew makes her feel stronger. She would get the most out of this life so that whoever she is next will be able to experience her happier moments.

She feels her brother hand on her shoulder as he ushers her to meet Jimmy and to sign her up for membership. She wouldn't mind visiting again, instead of like before where she would watch her brother train, she would make sure that she could defend herself. She wouldn't meet Rebecca's demise if she could prevent it.


	17. Chapter 17

A.N - I apologise for the delay but thank you everyone who has followed and favourited this story.

Chapter 17

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She decides to put more effort into her education, she wants to go to college, to achieve the most she could in this life. She had experienced life where she didn't know anything about the world apart from what her mother had taught her. She had experienced times where her brain whirled so fast, making connections and other times her brain made her frustrated as she couldn't communicate what she wanted, couldn't make things make sense. She had experienced times when words just made sense and other times where even concentrating words do not make sense.

Her brain had been wired differently in every different life, she had experienced colours seen in different shades, she had experienced life without sight and another without hearing. She had battled with depression, manic episodes and schizophrenia.

She was proud of her previous selves, they experienced different things and each one was so unique, so special and so beautiful.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

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She's sixteen when she has her first kiss again. Danielle was a quiet girl in her English class, always sitting in the back quietly. At first, she hadn't thought much of her as she was too concerned with her own problems but it all change with a group work that led to them spending time together in the library together. One thing led to the other and Danielle kissed her on their way home.

She had been attracted both to men and women in the past. All that mattered to her was that they like who she was and that they had a kind soul.

Elena had fallen in love when she was young, giving her heart, body and soul to a man 6 years her senior before he shattered them, leaving her disowned, pregnant and with a dangerous addiction.

But Darcy, Darcy liked Danielle, she couldn't imagine a different first kiss. It was clumsy, warm and sweet. It had a quiet, needy ferocity that she couldn't help but reciprocate. Her fingers tangling in Danielle's soft blonde hair.

Yet like everything in her life, everything good ended. One of Danielle's neighbour saw them kiss, telling her strict religious parents, the last thing she knew was that she was being homeschooled at her grandparents in another state.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

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She watched her brother leave again and she promised not to cry again. She felt his hands tremble slightly as he held her close. And she understood why. They were both a bit broken and had lost so many people, their mother abandoned them, they didn't even know who their father was, or whether they had the same father and their grandmother had died.

Was it so wrong waiting to see who would be gone from their lives next?

As he walked down the cracked path away from the porch, his bag over his shoulder, his image was replaced by another. Another brother who could not stand by when injustice was wreaking havoc.

She never saw that brother again.

She hopes that history doesn't repeat itself.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

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Report card: Darcy Lewis

Grade: 10

Teacher's summary:

Darcy is a bright and sweet girl who when her head is not in the clouds engages with the class material. She is especially vocal to any she deems to be an injustice, which whilst admirable will only cause her problems with people in authority later on in life.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

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How have things been since last time? I hope you and your unit as well. Remember to stay hydrated. What is training like? I attached my teacher's report and grades. Will you be home for the holidays or will you be spending them over there? If so, what do you want this year, I found this paper-run that I do after school.

I'm doing better now, I settled down and started to pay attention in class, I've not had to move in a while, so I must be doing something right.

I found a new band I like, very old-school I'm sure you would agree. Next time you are able to visit, I will play them for you.

Are you okay? I mean really? I miss you so much.

I look forward to your letter,

Stay safe.

Darcy.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Disclaimer – I do not own anything.

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Sometimes she would have these thoughts, these terrible thoughts that she tried to push away but they were always there, in the back of her head in the shadows, moving like mist.

She knew that her life now was so much better than others out there, of many lives she had already lived but logic could not help. But all the lives she had lived, all their thoughts and feelings were just too overwhelming.

She just couldn't deal with it anymore. She wasn't anything special, she wasn't brave, or smart or beautiful. She was just her and at times it didn't feel like much.

The voices were silent as she stared at the razor in her hands before she sighed and put it away in the pencil case in her school bag. She could be strong enough for today not to do anything.

And sometimes that was enough.


End file.
